Trigger warning- this article includes some references to miscarriage which some individuals may find distressing.
Most people would choose to avoid the darker, painful moments of life but great transformation, wisdom and purpose can arise from such challenging times. It can be a rebirth for some, like the phoenix rising from the ashes.
In my personal experience, it is pretty difficult to see any positives when you are the thick of it. It is only when you reflect back, you can perhaps understand, even appreciate, it’s purpose on your journey.
I have experienced many dark and/ or painful times. I am sure you have too.
Yet somehow, each experience seems to take me to the next stage of growth, or force me into a new direction. Such challenging times can actually feel like course correctors- from the universe, or perhaps from your soul.
I was very creative from a young age, always drawing or painting. I loved art and fashion but didn’t know what to do with it once I finished my degree. I saw an advert in a newspaper for a Buyer, the salary looked good so decided that is what I would become.
The creative side was fun and I travelled a lot. It was also stressful, pressurised with very long hours and at times boring. So I did an evening ITEC Diploma in Anatomy, Physiology and Swedish Massage to occupy my brain. I absolutely loved it and found the human body fascinating but that wouldn’t pay my London bills. I struggled with confidence and at times mental health issues. So I learnt Reiki level one and found it so transformational, so healing but I still struggled with the stress of buying.
So I left after nine years and temporarily went into Executive Recruitment while I worked out what I wanted to do. I did it for about seven years…. I was stuck on the money train. Even though I wanted to get out, I was used to the salary.
My father was diagnosed with prostate cancer, and was told he had about three years left so I moved back home. I was devastated. (That was 12 years ago!)
During that time I met and fell in love with my husband. I continued on the hamster wheel of executive recruitment, in a new job that now involved a painful four hours commute to Brighton every day. I still knew deep down I didn’t want to do recruitment anymore, but the money was too good to give up.
Then it happened, I found out I was two months pregnant, only two months into my shiny new highly paid Brighton job. Four weeks later I began to miscarry, three days before my twelve weeks scan. It started on a Friday afternoon while I was trying on my first maternity dress, how ironic. None of the medical professionals that were available that weekend would confirm that I was miscarrying, they said it was fine. It wasn’t, I knew it wasn’t and when the time came, I had no pain relief for what was about to transpire.
It was the darkest, most painful experience of my life, both emotionally and physically. I’ve since been told I had PTSD from the experience as I was having flashbacks for weeks afterwards every time I went into the bedroom or bathroom. I honestly couldn’t see the light. I could hardly breathe from the pain of the whole experience.
I struggled tremendously with the grief and four weeks after my miscarriage I lost my job. I felt I had lost everything, my baby, my security, my identity. I was no longer a career woman and it seemed I was incapable of carrying a child, the one thing my body was supposed to do.
I had another miscarriage and was eventually diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder fro it all. So I began the slow process of rebuilding myself and my life. On my two year quest to heal, I was eventually guided towards kinesiology during a spiritual counselling session. My initial thought was this is what will help me stay pregnant! I went to a two hour workshop 3 days later to find out more about kinesiology and in that moment I just knew immediately that kinesiology was what I was supposed to do. I wish I had found it twenty years earlier.
As I learnt more, I healed more. Eventually I realised that I had been trying to get pregnant for the wrong reason, but it had been on a deep subconscious level that I wasn’t aware of it at the time. I had perceived my miscarriages as a reflection of not being good enough, and by getting pregnant, that would change, or so I thought. Once I made that realisation, I knew I didn’t want children. I had become caught up in what I thought I was supposed to do. In fact I had been doing that my whole life, no wonder I didn’t feel happy. I had been following some imaginary rules of how I thought I should be, how my life should be, so I would feel worthy and happy, when in fact none of those things made me happy.
I now know that every challenging and dark experience can lead to many stages of growth and transformation if you let it. Perhaps it’s a course correction from your soul, trying to help you remember who you really are and what you are here to do?
Every experience has helped me, I believe the miscarriage led me to my purpose and enabled me to be better at what I do. I wouldn’t change a thing despite the pain of it all. I understand how hard to can be and most importantly I know what it feels like to come out the other side. I’m sure you do to.
But if you have forgotten what it’s like to come out the other side because you are in the depths of it right now and you are struggling, hang in there. I promise you it’s worth it. You are worth it and it will get better. You are transforming, having a growth spurt or perhaps you have momentarily lost your North. We all do from time to time, you will find your way back to yourself.
If it’s becoming too much, ask someone for help or support. Share how you are feeling if it’s possible to put into words, or just ask the other person to just be with you, no words necessary. Or perhaps you’ve noticed someone go off the radar, or they aren’t being themselves, reach out, drop them a text, it could just give them that extra boost to keep going.